Letting Go … Of Injury and Grievance

A few years ago at a book signing for A Killer’s Grace , a woman came up to me. She said that given my writings on the serial killer at the heart of my novel,  she’d come with hopes of learning what she so desperately needed. 

Her sister had been murdered. The man who killed her was serving life in prison, and the woman who approached me had been visiting him in order to understand. It was part of a restorative justice practice, and she was writing a book about the experience. She had reached a great deal of understanding and compassion for the murderer, who had a terrible story himself. She was at my book signing because in her own words,

“I just can’t find a way to forgive him. Even though I believe in forgiveness. I can’t let it go. The injury is too big. How can I possibly release this?”

I was recently reminded of that experience when a follower and friend was digesting one of the horrific, violent episodes in his own community. The awful, violent death of a young woman. Chuck asked,

“How do her parents ever let go? I can’t imagine how I could let go.”

Aren’t these the ultimate questions for all of us? How to let go of our greatest wounds? How to forgive and release when actions or circumstances seem unforgivable? Isn’t it one thing to hear masters tell us the deepest benefit for us is in the places we hate others, and yet to find a way to really put it into practice? Isn’t the real test in our willingness and ability to abandon our need for holding on, no matter the reasons for which we cling? What if we must finally suffer enough to be willing to go to any lengths to find peace?

Let’s just admit it seems unfathomable. And yet all of us have seen instances of the most remarkable grace in others. And sometimes with ourselves. What can we do?

Seeing True in Practice™

First, it seems from the wisdom of the great ones that we are called for such heavy spiritual and psychological lifting as this. Even if our only motivation is better spiritual, emotional, psychological and physical health.

I can only speak from personal experiences, those of myself and a few clients or students who have covered such difficult inner terrain.

The starting point always seems to come back to a realization that the suffering or bitterness we carry has become too burdensome or problematic.

Then comes the question of why we continue to hold onto something that is harmful to our well-being, and very likely to those around us. Rest assured, our inner being always affects those around us.

This is no easy matter. Some of us cling to a grievance because it gives us meaning, and maybe even purpose. We can hold on in order to maintain an attachment to victimhood. Sometimes we simply love the feeling of the anger or bitterness. In still more cases, the grief we need to express will not come because it just hurts more than we can bear.

It appears that the solution invariably leads to our own inner work and our own inner healing.

We can’t let go on the outside, until we address the reasons by which we continue to hold on the inside.

Here are a few resources some have found useful:

Unattended Sorrow: Recovering from Loss and Reviving the Heart by Stephen Levine

When It’s Time to Let Go of Control and Surrender by Nancy Collier

Forgiveness and Emotional Sobriety by Tammy