Understanding that the Problem is not the Problem

I must have heard the question several hundred times before the real problem became clear to me. My long-time mentor in recovery (and more broadly in the world), a man I affectionately call Master Samwise, heard me tell many, many stories of annoyances and resentments I had with others, especially those to whom I was most close to. He would always listen patiently, and then invariably he would ask:

“Sounds like [insert name of person] is doing a fine job of being themselves.

What’s your problem with that?”

For the longest time, I thought he was asking me to further articulate why that person was the problem. I thought he needed me to provide a better explanation at which point I guess I expected him to agree with me and join me in condemning the person or their behavior.

Very slowly it dawned on me that my mentor was gently coaxing me to examine my contribution to the problem. As some might say, how I was getting emotionally or psychologically hooked by something. Or as many in the rooms of recovery would say, “What’s my part?”

Now to be clear, this a no small matter. We humans are living projectors. Whenever we feel discomfort, our first tendency is to look for something other than ourselves to blame for that discomfort.

Regrettably, and as the much acclaimed researcher Brene Brown has determined, as soon as we find fault elsewhere, our inquiry and curiosity stop.

Perhaps this is an evolutionary adaptation to allow us to keep living in the presence of threat. Something like … I’m uncomfortable … that person, thing or situation is the problem … eliminate it … discomfort goes away … problem solved.

But. if one begins to pay closer attention, we often find that we live in patterns. For example, the sources of my annoyance and resentment were invariably the same theme - quite often with the same person - over and over and over again. Of course, they surfaced with intimate people in my life because those people could not easily be made to go away.

It turns out that our frustrations are part of a beautiful, psycho-spiritual debugging device. And finally I came to understand it.

My problem with you is not you.

My problem with you is my problem.

This begs for a few examples from my own experience and from those whom I have coached professionally and personally.

·      If you do not provide sufficient appreciation or approval to me, the real problem is that I’m either asking you for validation that you cannot provide, or which I cannot actually receive. I must then ask why I need that validation or why I insist on doing so with people who can’t or won’t provide it.

·      If I experience jealousy or envy, the question is not what you do that provokes that in me, but why I am susceptible to those feelings. Is my own life under-realized? Do I feel life is somehow unfair? 

·      If I am not feeling secure enough in a primary relationship, it can only be because I’ve chosen to involve myself with someone who cannot provide that security, or because I’m looking for security from the wrong people or for the wrong reasons. Looking in the mirror, I must wonder where I can find a sense of security with or without you.

So the magic questions, the inquiry that allows us to resolve real issues and real patterns comes when we look for what and how we project upon people, things, situations and circumstances.

That doesn’t mean there isn’t a problem outside of myself. There is most certainly something to be said for solving real problems in the world around us. Yet the key question remains: What’s our problem with that?

Seeing True™ in Action

Taking experience from the twelve steps of recovery can be a fine solution. Here are the four questions used to examine the source of resentment, frustration, disappointment, or the like:

1.    Who or what is the cause of our apparent problem?

2.    What is the brief story of that situation?

3.    How does this affect us emotionally, psychologically or physically?

4.    What is it that we bring to this situation? Or what is our pattern in this?

To be clear, this is bold action on our part, and often highly effective. Especially when written and revisited. When we add in discussion with someone we can trust, we often find answers that have long eluded us. That is transformational. While the circumstance may not change, we will change, and difficulties resolve.