Who Wants to Be Agitated?

On a recent morning as I loaded the clothes washer, I had an epiphany (As an aside, isn’t it interesting how insights come in the most mundane moments?). The agitator, the part of the machine that moves back and forth, is the agent that removes dirt and stains. Detergent is added to increase effectiveness, but it is agitation which provides the energy for releasing. Otherwise, things stay embedded in the fabric.

This was interesting to me because I realized my attention is typically on the detergent. How much? What type? Biodegradable or not? Or even whether the water should be hot, warm or cold.

Admittedly, the agitator can’t do its job without the water, but the real power is in the agitation.

Isn’t that true of life, and our growth and development? If there is nothing that agitates us, we often do not engage matters that may need our attention.

Admittedly, we don’t want to discount the value of intrinsic curiosity. Lots of us spend a lot of time wondering and playing with things; often to no apparent purpose.

Regardless, agitation provides motivation, and perhaps urgency depending on circumstances and situation.

Of course, the problem is that most of us do all we can to avoid agitation. We like familiarity. We enjoy being comfortable. On some level we resent being disturbed. Few of us seek out agitation as a magic elixir. As one mentor said, “Let’s be honest, Ron. We like our ruts.”

These ideas provide the context for a recent conversation with a young woman who I mentor. For some time now, Tess’s life has been one big agitation: family drama, work disruptions, big changes with her kids, even the prospect of divorce and relocation. All this amid some important inner work related to her history of addictions. Frankly, she’s been worn out by the ordeals. Regardless, to Tess’s credit, she has been leaning into the experiences because on some level she understands the importance of this passage in her life.

On this particular day and in this particular conversation, one of many in recent weeks, Tess suddenly saw her life in an entirely new light. We might say her experiences were suddenly reframed. The agitation had provided the energy for a major psychological release. In an instant, she realized that her fundamental life mistake had been to take on responsibility for others. The cycle began with an emotionally damaged mother, accelerated through several devastating experiences as a young girl, and was reinforced over and over again through adult relationships.

I heard Tess’s audible gasp over the cell phone. “Ron, I get it. I finally get it. To thine own self be true is not some abstract idea. It’s the only way I can get out from under this shit.”

It was only a few days later that Tess reported a kind of freedom she had never before experienced. It was truly a transformation. For the first time, Tess was able to focus on her own path without the clinging demands of others. While it was a daunting shift in perspective, she found it exhilarating. From which we concluded:

With true freedom comes an uplift, and with it the ultimate purpose …

to be accountable to oneself and one’s calling.

In ensuing weeks, the remaking of Tess’s life has been breathtaking. It is awe inspiring to see her unleashed. Not in selfishness, which is too often the label we apply to those seeking to follow their own soul’s path, but in what the master Anthony DeMello called “enlightened self-interest.”

Tess is soaring. It is beautiful to behold.