Living in Reality

“I expect nothing and accept everything.” ~ Anthony Hopkins

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“Life on life’s terms” is an often-cited motto from the rooms of recovery, to which I’d like to add: Exactly as it is, and exactly as it is not.

This might just require some exploration on our part in order to really understand.

The idea that we can live in acceptance is no small matter. Actually, it’s a very large matter, since from our birth it is utterly human to try to manage or control reality. It is only with time, and perhaps with some acquired wisdom, that we come to realize much of reality is not changeable by us.

While we’re truth telling, perhaps we should also acknowledge that the ability to accept reality is often preceded by frustration, pain or suffering. All of these are often caused by our attempts to alter reality in ways that are just not options. Wise ones would even say those are indicators that we are at odds with the terms that life offers at any given moment. They might even suggest our difficulties are valuable feedback from reality to show us we are in conflict with life.

So if accepting life on life’s terms sometimes comes as a result of difficulties, what are our options?

Let’s take a giant step backward and look first to the expectations we may have, which is where acceptance or lack of acceptance begins. My long-time mentor, who I often refer to as Master Samwise, would say that the only expectations that will prove to be effective are those that match the realities we face. All we need to do to understand this is to examine the evidence of ourselves, others, or life itself.

How often are we really successful at changing these? If we’re honest, we’ll have to admit it is not very often. Then we may have to admit that the most common story we find and need to face is that we often hold out hope that if we just change our approach we can be successful at changing something. Evidence of reality can be a powerful teacher, and thus powerful learning.

If we are encountering difficulties, especially the aforementioned frustration, pain or suffering, there are three questions we can ask:

Is the source of my difficulty something that is likely to change?
What is the expectation I have for this person or circumstance?
Why do I wish it to be different, i.e. what’s the perceived benefit?

This truth telling can often reveal when we are at odds with reality. Sometimes it can allow us to see and understand more clearly. That will open the door to acceptance.

Of course, if we can’t get to acceptance, it is likely that frustration, pain or suffering will increase. More data, and still a remarkable design for our growth and development.